The universe hates you. Let's get that out of the way right now. The universe loathes your guts and is infuriated by the way you dress, and the stupid way you talk sends it into a murderous rage. It's just one bad morning and an empty coffee canister away from driving to your house and shanking you in the neck. With a supernova. It may happen tomorrow, or it may take billions of years.

The universe is patient. It can wait. But rest assured: Some day, when you least expect it, it will reap a terrible vengeance upon you. And it will go a little something like this: